Spiritual ADHD

Spiritual ADHD

“Umm.. Why don’t you wear hijab anymore?”

Hmmm… Good question! I could give you a lot of reasons why I didn’t stop.I didn’t stop because I am no longer Muslim. I didn’t stop to make someone happy. I didn’t stop because I was scared. I didn’t stop because I don’t love the fashion. Now there’s a confusing double-negative so let me clarify: I love how the hijab looks on myself and other women. But I can’t really tell you why I did stop.

In the three or so years I dedicated myself to the study and practice of Islam, I learned a ton about Islam, but that was not even the tip of the iceberg. I learned I am in love with the study of history and religion. I learned there is more misinformation out there truth. I learned that I am not at all qualified to determine fact from fiction. I am, however, quite sure that much of what we accept as fact is instead the latter. Did Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, really say this? Did Jesus, peace and blessings be upon him, really do that? Who was I to say? I learned I do not have to belong to a group, blindly accept every teaching of a religion, or label myself as this or that to follow God.

I may not always have the answers. I may say one thing one day and contradict myself the next. That to me is so much more true and authentic than clutching an idea or belief so tightly that it comes to define you or blind you from the other possibilities out there, cutting you off from knowledge that could potentially expand your perceptions. I didn’t want to close myself off from the wealth of information out there on God, our perceptions of Him, and how we have recorded our interactions with Him across time and throughout cultures.

I had done nothing intellectually for three years except study Islam. I learned Arabic. I read the Qur’an multiple times. I followed every rule I learned to the extent that I was able. I watched YouTube, read articles, listened to lectures and podcasts, you name it! After three years of study I concluded that Islam is a magnificent, beautiful, deeply multifaceted religion that, when followed, is designed to purify hearts and heal societies. I concluded that I love Islam and wish I knew better how to share that love and understanding with others. And I concluded I was no longer felt the passion.

Geesh! That sounds harsh! But if there’s one thing I want to be in this diary-blog, its emotionally and intellectually honest. It is with that somewhat blunt honesty that I must admit I wanted to study something new. I had a million reasons that I used to convince first myself and then others why I’m suddenly having such a change of heart. Upon reflection they were all superfluous, convenient excuses. I was simply and inexplicably done. I loved practicing the religion but I also felt I lost my identity in it, my individuality that defined me and set me apart. Oh, to the rest of the western world, I was different all right. I stood out. But I was wearing a mask to try to convince myself and others that I was a perfect person, articulate, knowledgeable, and pious. One day, out of the blue, the mask no longer fit. Being a persona rather than yourself, no matter who you do it for, is exhausting. So in an effort to truly live for God and live for me, I knew I had to re-embrace my me-ness.

I was in the midst of all this self realization regarding what my beliefs are and how Islam fits into my world view, when I stumbled upon Emily Wapnick’s TedxBend talk entitled “Why some of us don’t have one true calling.” It hit me like a metaphoric ton of bricks. Her talk extended well beyond the scope of who I want to be when I grow up and hit the nail on the head in regards to my religious fervor but lack of ability to commit to one specific dogma. Oh, I knew I was the person who doesn’t have one true calling and had embraced that about myself a long time ago, but I hadn’t reflected on how that impacts my pursuit of knowledge and “truth.” In fact, it applies so perfectly! I had become deeply passionate about Islam, dove in head first, immersed myself in it, but then I grew sated.

As I have long ago learned to say “I don’t have a favorite (color, food, ice cream flavor, etc),” I am learning to say “I don’t have all the answers.” That one took me a bit longer to master, but there you have it ladies and gentlemen! I had followed a passion truly, with my heart and soul, and God led me down a beautiful path that brought me many new experiences, introduced me to wonderful people, and enlightened me to who I was. But that wasn’t to be the end all be all of my spiritual exploration. Am I scared that God is angry at me for seeking knowledge? No. Am I worried I will ultimately chose the wrong path and accidentally end up among the losers burning for eternity in a pit of fire? Not in the least. Not to sound cocky, but I think God gets it. He designed me to question, to wonder, to experiment and explore. He gave me a whopping case of ADHD (something I define as a “curious, creative, and energetic mind”). I feel He is continuing to guide me as I relinquish my need to be “part of a group” in order to feel justified in my beliefs. And let me tell you, my friends, it is frightening, a little bittersweet, and yet deeply liberating.

So where does that leave this blog? Another excellent question, Laura, thanks for asking! Deen is defined in many ways: the afterlife, the reckoning, or sometimes creed or religion. It is for the love of my deen that I do everything in my life from my spirituality to my health and fitness to how I raise my children. It excites me to think I can start opening up this blog to go beyond just the scope of how I came to Islam and what I have learned. Where this platform allowed me a beautiful opportunity to explore my experiences and share them, coming to more deeply understand them myself, so too I believe it will continue to serve as an opportunity for me to share a broader range of my experience. While learning about Islam I was (and still am) also a mother, a wife, an employee (for a bit), a sister, a daughter... I was also an athlete, a dancer, an artist, a writer, a SPARTAN. Most importantly, I am a big mistake maker, a status quo questioner and a hardcore life experiencer.

Whether I discuss a baking experience I had, a workout I discovered, or a parenting faux pas, I hope my adventures will bring you, if nothing else, a smile. I may or may not be a Muslim. I may or may not be a follower of Jesus, peace and blessings be upon him. I may even have a little Budhist in me. I may devote the next three years to mastering yoga or oil painting or just trying to survive homeschooling 7-year-old twins and a brilliant teenager. Who knows where else my passions will take me. My prayer is that whatever I do, I will do it with sincerity and authenticity and that whatever I learn or believe that I do so with an open mind and an open heart.