Honeymoon. Over.

Honeymoon! ... Over.

Wow!! It has literally been months since I have posted. Sure, I’ve written blog posts, half written others, scribbled down ideas for yet more, and have myriad topics running around loose in my noggin. But nothing has made it past that little 'publish' button on the top right of my screen. I don’t have a particularly good reason or even a modicum of an excuse because to be truthful, I have had plenty of opportunity to post. Why, then, have the humble pages of my quaint little corner of the blogging world gone unattended and, to be frank, neglected? To sum it up: Life. Got. Lifey.

Ok, well, there ya have it in a nut shell! Thanks for stopping by readers!!
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Ahh, but I would never leave it at that, so if you are curious what this absentee blogger has been up to, read on, my friends, read on!

              Two significant things happened this year, neither of which I find myself able to adequately and succinctly write about in the limited space of a blog post. I enter as evidence all the half-written, over emotional, very raw posts that have been sitting on my desktop. From Ramadan 2016 to Ramadan 2017 I went through an awkward, painful, liberating, beautiful transition period as two 'honeymoon' periods came to an abrupt, unexpected halt.

              The first, and the only one I am going to write about today, was my over-zealous, frantic love-affair with Islam. It took me by storm from books to youTube videos to online courses trying to soak in all I missed in the 32 years of my pre-Islam life. I rushed into wearing hijab, tossing my scarf against social pressures. I got into debates, discussions, interviews, and so on. I suddenly felt I had a point to prove: to show people the beauty of Islam and to help, moment by moment, to break down the barriers of fear between Muslims and those of other faith backgrounds. I tried to be as perfect as I could, adhering to all the teachings as soon as I understood them, to the fullest extent of my ability and understanding. It was tough and exhilarating! All the while I was completely missing the point. Things started happening, and when I was approached for an interview that turned out to be a cover story about my experience coming to Islam the blurry realities of my situation snapped into focus.

              Reality one: The energy and momentum required to pick up something new and try to be absolutely perfect at it cannot be maintained. It is not realistic. The hormones driving it, much like the hormones in a new relationship that scream you have to see them every moment of every day- well, they wane. They don’t last forever. So I realized I had been embodying Islam, I had been studying Islam, I had been discussing Islam, but I had not been a true Muslim. The reason for this is my stark and frightening reality number two.

              Although I could have argued otherwise, and at times I even had myself convinced, I had been making Islam all about me. Not surprising, right? I mean, after all, this blog is all about me, isn’t it? I had found this ‘calling,’ a pedestal from which I was suddenly being heard by people all around me regardless of their faith. Some challenged me with questions, others came to me with questions, and while I would try to preface it with ‘I’m not a scholar, I’m not qualified,’ I would do my durndest to answer their questions. When the article came out, it was picked up by several publications and I got to know how it feels to have your metaphoric 15 Minutes Of Fame. It was overwhelming and intimidating and completely intoxicating. It was also frightening as I suddenly realized I was making myself out to be the poster-child of Islam yet I knew almost nothing about the religion except your typical Islam 101. Not only was my crusade to educate suddenly feeling like it was all about me and my high horse, it meant I had to be 100% perfect all the time or I would be a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. What the what??

              So what did I do about it? In the overwhelming rush of emotions, I found excuses. Excuses to stop wearing hijab, excuses to miss prayers, excuses to go out dancing with my husband and a group of friends. While we all (the whole group because my social circle is wicked legit) felt we were out of our element and none of us stayed late, it was a significant experience for me. You see, I was challenging not only the teachings of my own faith, but the convictions of my own heart. While the experience confirmed that the club experience is just not for me, it also broke down a barrier that made it easier and easier to make those smaller, more subtle exceptions.

              What did I learn? When I first came to Islam I was expecting to refine my relationship with God. I didn't think or see beyond that. Sure, I expected some people to be upset when they found out, but I hadn’t even meant to be particularly public about it in the beginning. Circumstances quickly changed my intentions as the grapevine spread the news like wildfire. As I found myself more publicly practicing Islam, I also found a kind of strength- a strength to stand up for what is right against fear, ignorance, and in a few cases, outright hate. But that strength became my weakness as I soaked in all the attention this new pedestal offered me. I became focused on what Islam was doing for me and lost sight of what I was doing for Allah- My God, The God. For those of you who don’t know, Islam is all about intention, and somewhere along the line, my intentions had become corrupted.

              Where am I now? Well, I still wear hijab on and off. I still skip prayers as I am trying to work it back into my daily life. I live my life in ultra-mega HD and I will always, by my energetic and unapologetic nature, draw attention to myself. I need to remember that. I need to check in with my intentions, to reflect on my actions. Am I wearing hijab to be modest or am I wearing it out of a fear that someone will call me a hypocrite if I don’t? Am I choosing not to wear hijab simply as a statement of my own free will over theirs to choose how “religious” I am at any given moment?  Am I praying only when I feel like it? Or can I maintain the conviction to do something I don’t always feel like doing for the sake of the most important relationship I have in this world or any other?

So, like a marriage, the honeymoon period is over. The rush of intense, passionate emotions has died down. But like a good marriage, it is being replaced day-by-day with something else- something better. The rush of emotions gets us involved, gets us interested, gets us obsessed…but while it is coursing through us something more beautiful is happening in the background. Connections are being made, attachments that will ultimately determine the strength of the relationship, or whether it lasts at all. I feel it now, that kernel of conviction- telling me to just take it one day at a time, as a dear friend advised me back at my very introduction to Islam. Just read. Just pray. Just be you. Trust in God and let each day come as it is. I am learning that Islam is not about perfection, it is about relationship with God. Pure and simple. I’ll stumble, I’ll fail, I’ll be a total and complete hypocrite. In other words, I’ll continue being human. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 😉

As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu! Peace be upon you and the mercy of God and His blessings!